We Are the Way We Are Because of
the Way We Were

Have you ever wondered if you were speaking the same language as a colleague of the opposite sex? How is is that we can utter the same words and mean something completely different?

To at least some extent, the difference goes back to our early childhood and how we first interacted with other children. All animals use play as preparation for adulthood, and human animals are no exception. However, the way little boys and girls play creates not only different skills, but vastly different expectations and communication styles. The way we were as children has a huge effect on the way we are as adults.

Just for a moment, cast your mind back as far as it will go—if possible to the age of about four or five. Think about the time when you began to play with other children, rather than just with your toys. Generally, little boys’ games very quickly take sports-based activities as their model: they begin kicking, throwing or batting a ball about and they often choose sides to play against each other. Remember Billy’s team against Bobby’s team? The adults watching them, both male and female, encourage them to play to win and aggressive behaviour is expected.

Little girls, on the other hand, usually play games that are an imitation of life. They have dolls, which sleep and cry just as real babies do. They walk and talk with other little girls, who are also nursing dolls. They make up stories about their fantasy lives, and they are encouraged by adults to “play nicely with the other children.” Aggression, or bossiness, is frowned upon.

Fast forward, then, to a time when these same men and women are leading teams or departments in the business world, and you’ll realize they are still held to the same standards. Assertive men in business are seen as strong, forceful and action-oriented; assertive women often suffer under the labels of bossy, arrogant and difficult to work with.

Big boys don’t cry

Crying is held up to little boys as a weakness, and the condition of not crying as a sign of being a big boy. He is crying because he has some kind of problem, but an adult is now telling him he should stop crying and, by extension, solve the problem himself. Showing his feelings is not acceptable.

To the adult male, this early indoctrination remains strong. If he has a problem, talking about it might be seen as whining or crying, so he has to find the answer himself.

What happens, though, when little girls cry? Usually they are cuddled and soothed—sometimes they even get ice cream! In other words, they are encouraged to show their feelings and ask for help. So a woman in the workplace sees no weakness in admitting she doesn’t know something and asking for help from someone who does.

What do you mean, I’m not a team player?

Many want ads, particularly for senior employees, ask for team players. We all think we are team players, but the problem is we don’t all mean the same thing. Noticeably, men and women have different ideas of what the term means, and this goes back to our early socialization. Again, the way we were affects the way we are.

To women, good team players work together well. They consider other team members’ feelings, and listen to their ideas. They work to attain consensus in the group and strive for decisions that will be for the good of the group as a whole. To this end, the female manager will often ask her people for their views and discuss her own ideas with them before making decisions. She may also explain the reasons for her decisions. Unfortunately, men tend to interpret this as the behaviour of a weak manager who must always ask others what to do.

Neither of these styles is better or worse than the other, but they are different.

Women need to realize that their male managers are not being arrogant, but simply following a style. Whether you are a man or a woman, if you want to put your views forward to your male manager, you will need to make an opportunity to do so, because you are unlikely to be asked in advance.

Men need to recognize that a female manager’s tendency to ask for other people’s views is not weakness, but simply a different management style.

So when you describe yourself as a team player, consider who is asking you.