Decide to listen

Listening is not the same as hearing, which involves only the mechanism inside our ears. It happens all the time, even with sounds we don’t consciously notice such as traffic or background music. But do we actually listen to the music in the elevator? Usually we don’t.

Listening is not waiting for your turn to speak. When someone else is speaking, if you are thinking about your reply and waiting for a pause so that you can break in, how can you truly listen for the other person’s message? If I am telling you about my financial situation and you are simply thinking about products you can sell me, you are not giving me your full attention and you might easily miss something vital.

Listening is a conscious act. Each time you begin a conversation with someone, whether in business or in your personal life, specifically remind yourself to listen. That sets you up in the right mental attitude to receive and process the other person’s message. Do this consciously for several weeks so that it becomes a habit, and you will already be a better communicator.

The art of questioning

Yes, questioning is part of listening. If you don’t understand a point, or would like more detail or an opinion, you need to ask the right questions. There are two types of question, each with its own function:

• A ‘closed’ question can be answered ‘yes’ or ‘no’. You can use it to confirn understanding or close a part of the discussion: “Do you have enough available cash to take advantage of your total RRSP room this year?”
• When ‘yes’ or ‘no’ won’t give you the information you need, asking an ‘open’ question will broaden the discussion: “You say you already hold several mutual funds. Which ones are they, and how big is your investment in each fund?”

It’s important to remember that communication only takes place when someone has received and understood the message. A skillful blend of closed and open questions can help you do that.

Selective listening

A friend told me recently of a disconcerting telephone conversation with a business colleague. The call was about her availability to take part in a project, and they had talked about her increasing business and heavy workload. Then she mentioned that she would be out of commission for several weeks because she had to go into hospital for some surgery. To her dismay, the other person abruptly finished the call with, “Well that’s great then. I’m glad everything is fine—must run, speak to you soon!”, and he was gone. Was he listening? Yes, but only to the parts of the conversation that interested him. Then he switched on his listening filter and shut out the other person.

That’s selective listening and it’s a major cause of miscommunication, not to mention hurt feelings. My friend’s respect for her colleague dropped dramatically after that conversation. When you are taking part in a conversation and have decided to listen, listen with your whole attention.

Another way we listen selectively is by shutting out opinions and information from people we don’t like. Let’s face it, we don’t like everyone we have to work with, and sometimes just hearing a particular person’s voice on the other end of the phone puts us in a bad mood! But if we let that bias interfere with the listening process we risk losing the message. We also may pay little attention to certain people because experience has taught us not to put too much faith in what they say. So when they begin to speak, we mentally switch off and stop listening. No matter how well they express themselves, it won’t be effective communication because the other side of the process—the acceptance of the message—is not taking place.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who finishes your sentences? Annoying, isn’t it? They assume they know what you are going to say, so they don’t listen to the end. If you are guilty of this, try to curb the tendency because it not only causes miscommunication but also irritates the speaker. You can’t afford to irritate your clients!

Fact or propaganda?

When we watch commercials on television, we realize they are trying to selling us something, so we take that into consideration when we think about their sweeping claims. Will the dirt really disappear from the kitchen floor with one wipe of that cleaning liquid, as it did on the commercial? Of course not. We know this is ‘propaganda’, even though we often buy the product anyway.

But we need to be aware that we are subject to propaganda in conversation too. Someone tells you, for example, that you should buy stocks in a certain company because it’s a hot new investment, those ‘in the know’ are buying it and if you don’t buy now you will miss the boat. That is a form of propaganda known as the ‘bandwagon effect’, and if you are not a savvy listener you could make an unwise decision by mistaking it for fact. “Everyone knows...” is a signal that an upcoming statement should perhaps not be taken at face value.

Words are powerful. If a politician wants to make a simple statement of fact about Canada, he or she will usually refer to it as ‘the country’. For a little more sense of importance, it changes to ‘the nation’. And if an emotional appeal to national pride is called for, it becomes ‘this land’. Language can affect the way we receive a message, and we must beware of biased language that can distort meaning. Did the stock market really ‘soar’ last week and ‘plummet’ today, or it is just fluctuating a little as it usually does? Lively listeners don’t react unthinkingly to alarmist language.

One of my clients, a company president, told me a story that confirms the importance of listening. A manager in his company was being considered for an executive position, and as part of the process he met with a member of the board of directors. After the meeting, the director called the president and strongly advised against promoting the candidate. When asked why, the director said, “He doesn’t listen. He talked continuously, seemingly without regard for what I had asked him or wanted to know. This position needs someone who listens, and this man doesn’t.” He didn’t get the job. Have you ever lost a job opportunity, or a potential client, and never quite knew why? Perhaps a lack of listening skills has already affected your career!

© 2004 Helen Wilkie All Rights Reserved. You may reprint this article for your online or print publication so long as you include the complete article and the following paragraph:

Helen Wilkie is a professional speaker, consultant and author who helps companies do better business through better communication. Her latest book is "The Hidden Profit Center". To received free monthly tips and techniques on communication, visit http://www.mhwcom.com or http://www.HiddenProfitCenter.com and sign up for "Communi-keys". Reach Helen Wilkie at 416-966-5023 or hwilkie@mhwcom.com

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